Life as I knew it has changed

And the wind up...

2008-12-22T16:00:00.002-07:00

I am just so fucking over it.

Moving on

2008-12-12T14:00:00.001-07:00

So many things of great importance happening in my life. So many things that I just don't feel like I can talk about yet. Not sure if they're good or bad. They just are.

I would like to thank the academy...

2008-12-03T20:28:00.004-07:00

Nah, screw the academy. My mom? No, she doesn't know this blog exists. My kids? Also...don't know this space is out there. Whoever could I thank?

Oooooh, I know! I will thank the incredibly amazing Punk Rock Dad. He done gave me a badge! Wanna see it?

Huh?

Huh?

Do ya?

I know you do. Here's how it was given to him:

But. (you knew there was going to be one...) because he is just that hardcore, he had to change it. Here's his new version...

Personally? I like his version WAY better. That is the one that I'm posting on my page, yo.

Let's see, I think there were rules with this too (scampers off to PRD's site to try to figure it out.)

THE RULES (gag)

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.

3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.

Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then “add image” it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the “picture” gidget. Also, don’t forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

Allrighty then. Seems pretty clear cut. Not that I'll follow them. But I'll do my best.

My 5 addictions:

1. Music. I always have a song in my head and a drum beat in my heart. As some can attest, it doesn't always have to be good music either. I have been known to channel really bad elevator muzak if someone (you know who I'm looking at) asks me to hold on a second.

2. Sex. I don't know why, I just do.

3. Caffeine. Coffee until noon, diet coke or diet mountain dew after that. If I don't have some form of caffeine within 1/2 hour of waking up, I end up with a killer headache. I've been an addict since I was little so whoever said it might stunt your growth? Yeah, they might have been onto something.

4. The internet. I am connected. All the time. Between my desktop at work, my desktop at home, my laptop at home and my blackberry, I can cyber stalk whomever I chose 24/7. It almost makes me twitch to head out into the mountains. I have to force myself. But I do go. I need to get away sometimes.

5. Books. I inhale lit. That is all.

Fabulous other blogs:

1. Dawn is amazing. The girl has been through some serious shit and is still muddling her way through with grace. And snark. My kind of girl.

And you know what? I'm going to stop there. While there are other blogs that I like, I kinda only want to nominate Dawn.

Damn, I'm such a rebel aren't I?

Black Friday

2008-12-01T17:00:00.004-07:00

How did I end up at target at 6:00 in the morning? Me? The girl who HATES shopping? Luckily I was still a little buzzed. That's also a good lesson. It's not a good idea for blondie and I to have a designated driver for a road trip. We will take full advantage of that. Also? The waitresses that have to work at Denny's on Thanksgiving night are no fun.

I made it through the shopping day. I survived. I did actually get some good bargains. And only shoulder checked one older lady who REFUSED to move her body and her cart out of the way. I asked her politely to please excuse me like 5 times. She finally turned around and said, "Do you think if you keep asking, I'll move?" Then she laughed. Then I knocked her out of the way. What can I say? Can you blame me? It was at that point that I decided I needed a time out and went out to the car and took a nap.

SUCH not a shopper, am I.

Segue...segue...segue...

OK, now that the graceful transition is complete, I am thrilled to let you know that I was nominated for an award. Of course, I don't have the brain power to finish it right now BUT I will later. The awesome Punk Rock Dad nominated me. He's fun. Grrrr.

I'll be back later to tell you ALL about it!

Thanksgiving Eve

2008-11-26T23:46:00.001-07:00

You know what sucks?

To think that your spouse is full of animosity for you but then to have it confirmed by them. In so many words.

And to know that you will have to pretend tomorrow to be oh so thankful.

Yeah, that sucks.

A meme to warm your cockles by.

2008-11-22T20:49:00.004-07:00

What does that saying mean? I've never really known but it's always struck me as funny. What is a cockle? The places my brain takes it...it's just not right.

So I've been tagged. Which is good. It's an easy way to chase the cobwebs out of my mind and get down to the serious business of blogging the holidays in Montana. With my family. And my inlaws. And the joy of combining them all together. Really not enough alcohol in the world to make it pleasant.

The sexy Dawn over at Punch Drunk has tagged me. By name even! She said it was nothing personal, that it all was how I fell in her flickr contact list but, DAMN, you should have seen the way she was talking to me! She's straight up mean!

And away we go...

Go to your sixth picture folder

Select the sixth picture

Tell the story behind the picture

And here’s what I found:

OK, first of all, I don't follow directions well. I recently got a new laptop and it only has 3 photo folders on it as of yet. So I went to flickr. I picked the most appealing set (the random one) and picked the 6th photo in it.

This picture was taken in 2006. Right after Thanksgiving, actually. We (this is my husband and I, just in case someone doesn't know) were out at my parents house sledding and looking for a Christmas tree to cut down. This was an arms length photo that I took of us right after a sledding run. It was a very good day.

There's the fluff of this meme. Here's the dirt. This was before my husband started drinking again. This was before I started having any medical issues. This was not too long after Little Boy was diagnosed Celiac and we were so happy to just have a healthy little boy for the first time. Mancub was 13. And shorter than me. Those were the good ol' days. Since starting this I've been racking my brain, trying to come up with a time since then that I was happy and felt that my marriage was healthy. And I can't.

So there it is. And since this is not quite the happy fluffy meme I was hoping for, I'm only going to tag one person.

Because Aunt Becky totally called me out, yo.

Aunt Becky, You're on.

It's been so long

2008-10-30T13:43:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure I remember what to do with this space. What's the saying? Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans? That's the headspace I'm in right now.

I'm sure I'll be back soon.

In the interim, I find it highly odd that the number one google search term that brings people here is "48 hour hangover". Perhaps I shouldn't look at that too closely. Might send me to rehab.

Well then...

2008-09-24T20:59:00.000-06:00

Testing...testing...is this thing still on?

And it's a wrap. Well...wrap-ish...

2008-07-07T21:19:00.002-06:00

Very quick update. Had my post-op appointment today. Pathology reports came back as moderate pre-cancer throughout the endometrium and S.D. Dr. is comfortable in waiting and seeing at this point. Have blood work scheduled every 4 weeks for the forseeable (is that a word?) future. She said that she would actually be surprised if I was feeling better yet. The anemia is so much to overcome that it is going to take my body a long time. It just sucks. Now that we've removed the mass that was getting the blood, it should start to resolve.

I feel ok about it. Kinda eh. Still in such a state of limbo and I hate that.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. This is how it is.

Long time no post.

2008-07-01T09:44:00.003-06:00

I kinda just took off on ya'll, didn't I? Sorry about that. I'm actually doing really well. While the surgery was NOT fun, I'm glad i did it.

Recovery was about like I expected it was going to be. I was so sick on Wednesday. I just don't do well with being put under general. I woke up in pain and the nurse immediately started trying to get me to drink coffee. I hadn't been able to have any in the morning and she said that was why my head hurt. The absolute LAST thing I wanted was coffee. She was very stupid. There was a mixup in my chart and she was under the impression that I had pain pills at home already. I was trying to convince her otherwise and she kept yelling at me that she couldn't give me more, that I had them at home. I had just woken up and wasn't making a very good case for myself. When they finally let Joe back he took her into the hallway and told her that she WOULD be fixing the problem, we WOULD be getting my prescription and we WOULD be getting a new nurse. My hero. I couldn't understand why we had a new nurse and why she was so incredibly nauseatingly sweet. Now I know why.

We went home and I went to my bed and stayed there. Little Boy was extremely freaked out about me. My mom had told him that I was having surgery (who the hell knows why she did that) and she kept bringing him to my room to see me. I was throwing up pretty constantly so he kept getting more and more afraid. If he wakes up and comes into my room, he always is my velcro boy. Right by my side. I woke up about an hour after he went to bed and he was curled up on the floor at the foot of my bed with one hand reaching up and lying right beside my toe. It was the saddest thing. It's taken him all weekend to realize that I'm ok and to be confidant in that.

They took the entire endometrium and Squishy Danielle and sent it off to pathology. I should get those results on Monday. There was a big debate about whether or not I was strong enough to make it through the surgery. With no blood loss whatsoever, my numbers had dropped again. From 9.5 to 8.2. It was decided that it was more important to remove Squishy.

So that's where we are. Still waiting. Still not knowing anything. Still oh so very tired all the time. I'm back at work now and actually hurting more than I did all weekend. I think the constant movement that I do at my desk is aggravating the scar tissue. Who knows.

I'm just really ready to feel better.

Today

2008-06-25T09:00:00.002-06:00

It's all going down today, my pretties. In 1 1/2 hours I will be being prepped for surgery. The biopsy results came back moderately pre-cancerous. I am having a D & C and sending everything that they get to pathology.

I really have no wit. The wit has left the building. I assume that I will not be really coherent enough to type later but check twitter. 140 characters are much less intimidating.

The plot thickens...

2008-06-20T11:09:00.001-06:00

My results are in. I don't know them. All I know for sure is that they are moving my surgery to next Wednesday.

The ride continues.

If I were any more graceful I would be committed.

2008-06-19T08:32:00.002-06:00

So they were able to do the biopsy last Friday. It was one of the least fun experiences of my life. I'm not sure what I was expecting exactly. A parade? Balloons? Tequila shots on the stirrup table? It sucked. My numbers were still not where they needed to be but the dr. did not feel like we could wait any more. I was the proud recipient of a pint of blood at the same time! Yeah me! And then I drove myself home. Joe offered to come and pick me up but I didn't know when I would be done...and I'm kind of a narcissist who likes people to feel sorry for me and figured that was the best way to get sympathy. (hey...at least I know my faults, right?)

As a side note. Joe and I had a HUGE talk last week. We came to the agreement that we have both been sucking as spouses and we needed to change. So we've been trying. And it's been better. I feel like I can talk to him about how I'm feeling and what's going on and he actually listens. And cares. Or does a really good job pretending to anyway. What more could a girl ask?

So I had my biopsy. I should get the results sometime this week or next. The longer it takes, the more likely it's not a great result (WHY do the dr's feel the need to share these little tidbits of information with their patients? WHY do I need to know that???) I guess the theory is that if it's normal, it's normal. But if it's abnormal they will need to re-run it and verify the abnormal tests.

After my biopsy we decided to go camping. Luckily we sold out last summer and bought a camper so it was very much easier. Mancub was a huge help getting ready since Joe wouldn't let me do anything. We spent the weekend in our happy place in the woods and had a wonderful time. The water was SO FRICKIN' COLD that we couldn't really go swimming but much beer was consumed and that made it all better.

Sunday we were getting ready to pack up and I was cleaning out the boat. I took a step and slid. And broke my foot. I am the smartest, most graceful, prettiest stupid person EVER. Luckily I am in a walking boot that I can take off so I can still go swimming and play.

We are going out tomorrow night to celebrate my birthday. Fancy dinner and bar hopping after. I'm really way too excited. Which just tells me that my life is lame right now. Stupid drunk pictures to come!!

Happy Birthday To Me.

2008-06-10T09:13:00.001-06:00

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Stupid Montana winter. Wait. It's June. It's my birthday. Stupid Montana summer?

Happy birthday to me!

Things certainly seem more clear now.

2008-06-07T20:16:00.002-06:00

Let me start off by saying that I am not looking for comments with this post. I don't want sympathy. I don't want hugs and loves and pats on the head. I want a record. I need to remember. This is for me.

Things are not good here. It is becoming more and more clear to me that I am, basically, all alone in this medical mess. I am so consumed with it...so concerned...and there is no one that I can talk to about it. I try to talk to best friend #1 and #2 and feel like I am being a drag on their good moods. They miss the fun friend...the in charge friend...the one who always cracked the jokes. They don't know what I'm going through. I can't expect them to. They don't understand. They don't know why I'm getting more and more freaked out. I try to tell them the new things going on that are scaring me and they tell me they are sorry and move on. I cannot move on. It is with me all the time. I've got too much. It's all too much.

Husband and I fought badly tonight. He always tells me that I am too hard on mancub. I need to let him make more decisions on his own. I need to remember how old he is. So tonight I let him make one. And, apparently, it was wrong of me to do that. Husband talked to me like I was a child. Like I was no bigger than something he would scrape off his shoe. He did apologize after for his manner of speaking but continued to tell me that I haven't been a real wife to him for a long time. That it seems like I'm so consumed with other things that I can't make a decision. Like my equilibrium is off. He told me that he knows that I'm not feeling well but that he doesn't want to hear all about it. It doesn't make him feel comfortable to know all the details. He doesn't want to understand because there is nothing he could do about it anyway.

So where does that leave me? All alone. Trying to suck it up and be the mom, wife, employee, friend, person that I have been before. Going crazy in the head. Stuffing. Pretending. Faking.

Alone.

Surrounding me

2008-06-06T11:04:00.001-06:00

Why is it that wherever I go...whatever I turn on...whatever I read there is a newly diagnosed person fighting cancer? And why are they all my age? And dealing with bizarre types of cancer that are not supposed to hit people my age?

My birthday is Tuesday. I will be 32. I wonder what this year has in store for me.

Just call me Popeye

2008-06-04T16:37:00.002-06:00

The anemia is starting to resolve itself. My numbers have gone up almost a full point in the time since my last test. That's good! The not so good is that there is still 13 points to go to reach the low end of normal. And a week to do it in. This means lots of spinach for me. Oooh, and basically raw meat. Excuse me while I grab a fork.

Little Boy got hurt last night. He was attempting to get off of the trampoline and got hung up on the net. You know, the net that's there to prevent them from hurting themselves on the trampoline. Oh the irony, it slays me. His foot got caught and somehow he ended up dangling. He had net wrapped around his throat and underneath his left arm. We had a horribly long night last night with him in extreme pain. He did not go to school today. I took him to the dr. this morning. Between you and I, I felt very silly taking him in for a rope burn. Seriously...what could they do? But it turned out to be the right decision. He has 2nd-3rd degree burns underneath his arm. His neck is just a rope burn. So now we have dressings and ointments and creams and antibiotics because it's already infected.

Trampolines are the devil. Tramps and little girls.

Not enough creativity for a title.

2008-06-01T17:13:00.002-06:00

I've not been in a place where I can put words to what I'm feeling. There are so many emotions running through my brain that to attempt to limit them to one or two sentences doesn't seem fair to the rest. Nothing has changed since the last time I wrote about it. I go to the dr. tomorrow to find out if the anemia is resolving itself. I am hopeful that it is. I am still very tired though. Having a hard time making it through the day. Sitting in my family room right now are 8 laundry baskets full of clean clothes and I physically cannot do anything about them.

We received a letter from the dr. office last week that told us what our portion (after insurance) of the surgery will be. They expect for that to be paid up front. Our insurance isn't bad but the dollar amount was slightly staggering. Not sure how we're going to handle that but we can only take it day by day. We'll figure it out.

I've decided to focus on having fun right now. We spent yesterday on the boat. Friday night we had a bonfire. I am surrounding myself with friends and family and fun. Things that require no thought.

Not thinking is just easier.

A new beginning

2008-05-22T22:05:00.001-06:00

Oh, my girl, how amazing. She is beautiful. I am so incredibly happy for you. Words do not express.

The state of things

2008-05-20T19:53:00.002-06:00

Sticking with statements because it's just easier.

Dr. appointment today.
Hemoglobin and hematocrit actually going down. This is not good.
Cannot do surgery right now because I am so anemic and my body is so taxed with that there is a real possibility I would not make it through surgery.
The original plan of surgery on Monday was before my latest round of tests.
Cannot have blood transfusion to correct the anemia because of the type of anemia I have. My blood will not bond with transfused blood.
Non bonding blood = non clotting blood.
Non clotting blood + surgery=bad bad things for Jessie

So what's the plan?

Have to take mega doses of iron and other assorted pills and try to get the anemia resolved on its own.
Once that is resolved will have biopsy.
What that says will determine next step.
Biopsy tentatively scheduled for June 13. Depending on my stupid blood, of course.

So that's where we are. Still knowing nothing. Oh wait...we do know something else.

Dr. said she is 47% confidant that I don't have cancer. She came up with that number only because of my age. Apparently that's pretty much what I've got going for me right now.

How about them odds?

Long story short...

2008-05-19T17:09:00.002-06:00

Severe Anemia of unknown origin.
Other basic medical fun thanks to PCOS.
Stat ultrasound performed last Friday.
Mass of unknown origin with massive blood supply (hence anemia, I'm assuming) located in uterus.
Not presenting as a fibroid or a polyp because of lack of shadowing (WTF does that mean exactly?)
Surgery scheduled for today. Of course, our secretary is on vacation so have to reschedule for next week sometime. Dr. not happy about reschedule. Throws around words like time and essence and cancer.

Note to self. Do not google link between PCOS and uterine cancer. Bad idea.

Trying to see this as an instant weight loss tool. Mass is size of grapefruit. Imagine how much that must weigh!

Kinda losing my shit a little bit.

The things that drive me nuts

2008-05-15T14:16:00.002-06:00

1. Men. No explanation necessary, I'm sure.

2. Work. Once again, see explanation to #1.

3. Teenagers. The sighs. The eye rolls. The huffing. The puffing.

4. Kindergarteners. The sighs. The eye rolls. The huffing. The puffing. All with added crying!

5. Rain and snow. I know I live in Montana. I'm sick of whining about it. It's time for sunshine. Seriously.

Things that I'm loving...

1. My kids. Along with the sighs and the eye rolls and the huffing and the puffing and the crying, they are still damn cute and funny. If not for them, you would have read about me in the paper a long time ago.

2. Beer. Wine. Everything that gets me through the night. ;-)

3. The weather forecast is calling for sunshine and 85 this weekend. If that is true, I will be on a lake on a boat with Ky. And beer. Even though we will probably frighten everyone around with our pasty asses, it will be worth it. Oh so worth it.

The weather forecast had better be right...

May 9, 2008

2008-05-09T08:52:00.002-06:00

Dear Mother Nature,

I understand your job is hard. I know it's impossible to make everyone happy. I get it. Would you like me to rub your feet for you? Get you a nice cup of coffee? Tea? ANYTHING? I would do anything for you, you know. Just to get that little smile on your face.

However. I do have a little bone to pick with you. It's May 9. Supposed to be springtime, right? Supposed to be sunny? Can you please explain to me why I'm looking out my window and watching the snow fall? Basically hon, if you're not gonna step it up, BITE MY ASS.

Love and Kisses,

Jessie

The face of six

2008-04-27T06:46:00.005-06:00

It's been a week full of songs, cake, presents, parties and birthday snuggles. I don't know where the last 6 (SIX!!!) years have gone but I know I love you more today than ever. You amaze me, my boy. You see more good in people than I ever have. You care more about people than I ever could. You cried at your birthday party yesterday because one of your friends got his feelings hurt by someone else and it just wasn't fair. You will grow up to be a wonderful, caring man who makes an impact. Of that I am completely sure. I love you. I am proud to be your momma.

Well? Have ya?

2008-04-20T18:15:00.001-06:00

Your Slogan Should Be

Have You Ever had a Bad Time in Jessie?

The Slogan Generator

Umm...Not sure where to go with this one...

It's definitely not helping my dirty mind, that's for sure.

Good times

2008-04-11T20:11:00.002-06:00

I have never watched the Miss USA pagent before. Tonight, for some stupid reason, I am. I've decided to turn it into a drinking game. Whenever the contestants (or donny or marie) say something stupid, I'm going to drink. I give it 10 minutes until I'm knackered.

Oooh, and I had two spoonfuls of cheesecake filling for dinner. I am taking care of my body tonight! Word!

Something to pass the time

2008-04-09T16:40:00.002-06:00

I am completely addicted to Twitter. Seriously. Who knew that micro-blogging could be so fun? Of course, it's easy to be witty in 140 characters or less. Anybody else on there?

Besides that, my brain is taken up with the idea of a friend coming up to help me turn this into a porn blog. See what happens when you go without sunshine for long periods of time? You get consumed quite easily.

At what point?

2008-04-01T08:43:00.003-06:00

Well hello! Did you think I forgot about you? Silly little ol' blog. I could never forget about you. There just comes a point when everything that goes through my head is not suitable blog material, you know? Either it's too depressing (how many times can you write about one little boy being sick anyway?), too mundane (grocery shopping follies, anyone?), or too...umm...inappropriate (still refusing to turn this into a porn blog...). And just like that you see the 3 different sections of my brain! Isn't it scary?

So let's see. What does that leave? We went on vacation. I got sunburned. We had fun. Got to put my toes into sand and sit on the oceans edge. That was awesome. Completely cleared my head. Sometimes the mountains get in the way of my thoughts. It seems as though I can't get enough space with all the trees crowding in.

Little Boy is feeling better. We're still looking for a new doctor for him. That's been a challenge. What is it about having a medical license that makes them so much more intelligent, more successful, more sexy, more everything than just us average parents? I refuse to be talked down to about my child by someone who just met my child. And until I can find a balance, we remain doctorless.

Mancub is struggling in school. Really struggling. He's going to be 15 soon and just can't seem to get it together. He's really discovered girls and they have most definitely discovered him. And then the sun shone down and the angels sang and schoolwork ceased to matter. I walked out of my house on Sunday to see 3 teenage girls walking back and forth on the road in front. I'm not ready for that. The only thing that makes me feel better is that all of his friends think I'm hot so I get to be an embarrassment to him without even trying! I've been waiting for that since he was little!

Work is work. Nothing too much new...nothing too much old. Working with Joe is still fun. I thought that I would hate it but it's kinda nice having him in the office. He's a good sounding board for me. He just seems to be unable to leave work at the office and is driving me crazy talking about it all the time. I have a life too. I don't want to talk radio 24/7.

My girls are awesome. I'm so blessed to have such good friends in my life. No matter what I were to ever do, no matter how badly I were to screw up, I know that they would still love me. They might kick my ass first, but they would love me. And that's a great feeling.

I'll be back before another 6 weeks, I promise.

So I remember...

2008-02-23T13:34:00.003-07:00

As of today, we are on day number 10 of antibiotic. We are also on day number 10 of fever over 102. Day number 10 of no appetite. Day number 10 of listlessness when the motrin wears off. Day number 10 of being forced to drink anything. And as an added bonus? Day number 10 has brought intense vomiting.

Why is it that the new dr. wouldn't listen to me on Thursday but listened to my husband today? Is it because they both have penis'? Because, really, when my husband has to turn to me to ask me every question, shouldn't I just be the one asked in the first place? Why is it that it took my child losing another 4 pounds for them to take us seriously? And why is it that when your child ends up with iv tubes all over their body, it hurts you so much worse than if you were the one getting stuck?

My life

2008-02-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you're tired of faking it?

I think he had it right the first time

2008-01-15T18:24:00.000-07:00

Little Boy was on the phone with my mom today and this is what I overheard.

"Mimi, could you please pray for my daddy? He has the issues...Oh, I mean the sneezes."

Oh Little Boy, you so had it right the first time.

It just doesn't seem to end

2008-01-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of Little Boy being sick. I'm so tired of not being taken seriously by doctors because "the best judge of how a child is feeling is how he behaves". I'm so tired of holding my child while he cries because he has pain in his stomach...his hands...his legs. I'm so tired of looking at him and seeing that he's losing weight. Seeing his sick eyes. Worrying over him while he sleeps 14-18 hours a day. A day. He was my baby who didn't sleep. I would pray for rest when he was younger. And now he's just tired all the time.

I finally found someone who takes me semi-seriously. Semi. They still think I'm slightly crazy and/or making things sound worse than they really are. They think he might have pancreatitis. In addition to celiac. In addition to the possibility of even more food allergies. I don't know. We are taking a wait and see approach with him. I don't know. He's lost 10 pounds. He's down to 34 pounds. He's 5 1/2.

Don't tell him but I'm scared.

It's Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

And I'm at work. You would think that working for a religious organization would get me some extra time off this time of year. However, that would be a wrong thought.

Just wanted to say hello since it's been over a month since I posted. My time flies when you have seasonal depression issues. ;-)

Anyway...Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Ho Ho Ho and Bah Humbug. All wrapped up with a pretty shiny bow.

The legacy left to me

2007-11-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

My dad delivered me. Oh, there was another plan in place but it did not happen. It was always intended for me to be born at home. My mom enlisted the help of a midwife. She felt pretty good about this decision too...until she went into labor. The midwife lived quite a ways away and, when my parents decide it was time to call her, was on the phone. This was before call waiting. Can you imagine? Sitting there with a busy signal on the other end of the line? Once they finally got through, the midwife took off to get to us. And promptly got pulled over for speeding. "Excuse me officer, I know I was going too fast but I have to deliver a baby." Yeah right. Gee, for some reason, the officer didn't believe her. Can't imagine why. So by the time she got there, I had been born. Luckily, my dad had read a book. So he delivered me. And three hours later, I was grocery shopping with them.

My memories of my dad are all mixed up. I remember always wanting to be with him. To hold his hand. To feel like he was proud of me. To feel important in his life. Unfortunately, those things were not high on his priority list. My dad was an alcoholic. His booze of choice was vodka. To this day, I cannot handle the smell. People who say that it has no scent have not been around it as much as I have. It smells so strongly. It smells of failure. Of fear. Of disappointment and regret.

My parents finally got divorced when I was 12. My dad moved out when I was 6. I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I stood in the kitchen, watching for him out the window. Waiting for him to come and whisk me away to what I was sure was going to be an amazing magic filled weekend with my daddy. More often than not, he failed to appear. I wonder now what was going through his head. Did he really not remember? How do you forget your child? I think about my mom too. How angry she must have been. Watching me hurt...seeing the excitement turn to sorrow...holding me while I cried...

As tends to happen with chronic alcoholism, my dad got sick. He developed Liver Disease. Esophageal Verasy. Hepatitis. It was horrible. I struggled so much with how to handle it. I had two options. 1. Ignore him. Ignore his disease. Ignore the fact that he had no one. Hold on to the hurts of growing up with him as a dad. Remind him of all of the heartache he caused me over the years. Or 2. Drive him to doctor appointments. Make sure he ate. Go to his house (a converted garage studio with concrete floors) and check on him. Tell him I loved him. Do my best to mean it.

I'm ashamed now to tell you how hard that decision was for me. In the end though, I felt like I needed to show him that I could take care of him. I patted his back while he vomited blood. I held his hand while he was in the I.C.U. I sat beside him when he had fluid drained off of his stomach. I told him I loved him. I meant it.

I was able to do for him what he was unable to do for me. He was transitioned to comfort care in a nursing home right after Christmas of 2004. He couldn't talk because he had been on a ventilator for 3 weeks. We (my brother, sister in law and I) made a sign for him that said, "Chocolate Milkshake, Please". He would hold it up for the nurses. We knew that he didn't have much time left. On Saturday January 15, 2005 I went to see him. I told him that Joe and I would be back to hang out with him that night. I told him I loved him. He squeezed my hand. I left. We didn't go that night. We were on a date and ran out of time. The next day I got a phone call from his nurse. He was rapidly going downhill. They had him medicated heavily with morphine and told me that we needed to get there. Joe took the boys home and I went in. My brother and his wife, myself and my dad's best friend pulled chairs up to his bed. He was unconscious but I think he knew that we were there. We started telling stories about him. Laughing and joking. Out of the blue he started to cough up blood. My brother and I went to either side of his head. Matthew grabbed the suction tube and started to suction his mouth. I wiped the blood off of his chin. We looked at each other and both knew. He was gone. The nurse came in and confirmed it. We kissed him and left.

I feel almost like, since that day, something has been broken in my head. I started having insomnia. Going through bouts of severe depression. Attempting to sabotage my life and my relationships. Acting like he did. Drinking a little too much sometimes. Being a little bit too big of a personality to have people feel comfortable around me. I know that if I'm not careful, I could turn out just like him. And sometimes, on the bad days, that seems like it would be easier than fighting the legacy left to me.

2007-10-23T18:07:00.000-06:00

When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be -- I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought or grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
Wendell Berry

I have to put this somewhere because I don't want to lose it. This is how I am feeling right now. Something is coming. Something big. And I am scared. I'm worried that I'm feeling the beginnings of the bad time for me. I want the waves to recede. How do I do that?

It's official, I am lame.

2007-10-04T20:06:00.000-06:00

What do you write about when your life never seems like it changes? We spent so much time in the woods this summer, so much time on the lake, so much time just hanging out. Now winter is here. Or fall anyway. Really not much of a difference up here. Autumn still means that it's in the low 30's. Autumn still means that it's stupid hunting season. Autumn still means that there is snow. On my car. Right now.

Little Boy is in kindergarten and doing awesome. We've had some "issues" with his teacher so far. She didn't think that his celiac was a big enough of a deal to tell the lunchroom staff. So the kids were sharing food, as kids do, and he shared some chips. He does not have the maturity to know which chips he can have. He ate Doritos. He got very sick. We also had an issue with some of the kids. He brought his lunch of PB & J on rice cakes. They made fun of him. He cried. I threw a fit. Quite simple really.

Teenage Boy is in high school. He's playing soccer. He's got straight A's. Who is this child? What happened to the problem student? He is quite mouthy with me so I know that he hasn't been replaced by a pod person at least.

Joe and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in September. We had an awesome time. We went to Canada and watched a hockey game. And this could not be more mundane or boring.

Cell phone pictures

2007-08-07T09:11:00.001-06:00

The sun is a very intense red color right now.

This fire will be going over the mountaintop within the next 2 days.

On the right is normal clouds. On the left is smoke.

Driving into the smoke. Can you imagine how AWESOME it makes me feel to know that my kids are breathing that in?

I haven't had time to upload the pictures from my camera yet. I took these yesterday of the smoke clouds. Air quality is horrible up here right now. The difference between the blue sky and the black smoke blows me away. It makes me so sad to see...

A whole month later

2007-08-06T12:39:00.000-06:00

Well, it didn't sell. And that is the only showing we have had on it. I'm just pretty done with the whole thing, I think. There's just too much else going on right now to be too concerned about it. I'm just annoyed. I'm weepy. Best Friend made a really stupid comment to me last night about Little Boy. She says she was only kidding but it was just one of those comments that make me want to snatch my kids tighter to me and run away from everyone with them. Really dumb. But I'm still reeling from it. I just thought that I could trust that she loved my boys as much as I love her girls. It just sucks.

Not helping is that I'm hormonal. Yeah! (and...sorry to any men that might still be reading this...Hi Slinger!) so I'm way more whiny and sensitive than normal. Gotta love being a girl.

Montana burns. Have you seen that? Where I live is literally surrounded by fires that are all moving very quickly towards my town. Towns have been evacuated as close as 40 miles from us. It seems like a lot but really, it's not. One fire started at 10 acres burned on Friday night and by last night, there were over 18,000 acres burned. It's insane. The air is so smoky up here that you can't see the mountains. I took some pictures last weekend that I'll upload later. It's like watching snow fall with the ash. Air quality stinks. They are getting ready to shut down the woods completely. We were supposed to go camping this weekend but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. We couldn't have a fire but we were still going to go out. We'll see what happens.

So tell me...what do you do when you get sensitive about your kids? Do you avoid the person that made you feel that way? Do you look at your child and start to see them as the other person does? Do you wrap your arms around them and take them far, far away? I need some advice here, people. Unfortunately, this isn't just some random person. This is one of the people that I spend most of my time with.

It only takes One, right???

2007-07-06T07:46:00.001-06:00

We've got our first showing this morning! Woot! The market up here has just been very very odd. Summertime is when real estate is supposed to just move in Montana but it hasn't been. And to make it worse, people are listing their houses for way under market because they want to sell quickly. So they're driving the market down.

Could you blame someone if they daydreamed of fire bombing those houses? Not that I have or anything. Nope, not me.

The people that are looking at our house today are from out of state. They are looking at 10 houses today and we are first on the list. I'm hoping that that is good for us. "They" say that you really only remember the first and the last and that by the middle of the day, minds are usually made up. Plus, we are experiencing a freaky heat wave and most homes up do not have central air. Why would they? It's Montana! Right now (at 7:50 am) it's only 68 degrees so by 9:00, I'm hoping our house will still be cool from last night. I made cookies this morning and so the house smells really good. It's clean. I left the cookies on the counter with a sign asking them to please help themselves.

Really good chocolate chip cookies are worth $239,500, right?

Right?

The one where my heart explodes

2007-06-26T15:30:00.000-06:00

Hey! How are you? No, not you...You...Yes, you. How have things been? Anything exciting happening lately in your life? Say...you wouldn't happen to want to buy a house would you? It's a nice house in a great neighborhood. No? Oh well. You and nobody else either.

We have had NO showings on our house yet. I'm not quite sure why that is. I'm thinking that it might have something to do with the fact that our realtor is an idiot. A brand new idiot. He's so green that if he were an avocado he would be used as a projectile. He wasn't my pick. I want to fire him. I've wanted to fire him. A month on the market and no showings tells me that he's doing something wrong. But he works for Joe's best friend and so it's Joe's baby. When I decide that I'm going to do something, I want it done right away. I have no patience.

ANYWAY.

It's reached the time of the year where we are spending every weekend out in the woods. We broke down this spring and bought a used camper. It's perfect for us and it is very very nice to have. Now we feel like we have to make it worth our money by using it. All the time. I love to camp and don't mind getting dirty so that's ok. The boys love it too. Little Boy runs free with his friends and Teenage Boy (now AKA Mancub) explores. He's the coolest 14 year old. It's hard to gauge what he's thinking a lot of the time because he doesn't show much emotion. But he gets this twinkle in his green eyes that show how happy he is when things go his way. He's going to be deserting me for a few weeks this summer. He's going to San Diego for 3 weeks with Joe's oldest brother. It's going to be a great experience for him. I'm a little nervous about him flying by himself though. He just doesn't have much common sense it seems. He has an hour and a half layover in Seattle on his way home. I think he'll be smart. I hope.

*Recorded for posterity (and because the baby book is packed away)*
While camping last weekend

Little Boy: Here Mommy (handing me a wildflower), I picked this for you.
Me: Thank you sweetie
Little Boy: A beautiful flower for a beautiful mommy.

And then my heart exploded.

2007-06-12T13:26:00.000-06:00

The hair...the song...the clothes (especially the jeans up to his nipples) and the dancing.

I spit water at my monitor. This? This is what I listened to when I was younger?

Where has the time gone?

2007-06-05T08:36:00.000-06:00

Wow. It's been over a month since I posted? How did that happen? Where did the time go? All we've been doing is camping, cleaning, de-cluttering our house, landscaping, working, cleaning some more, de-cluttering some more, dealing with family tragedy, playing way too hard with our friends and listing our house to sell.

Oh yeah. So that's where the time has gone! So guess what! You get bullets! Woo-hoo!!

The house is listed. The sign is going in the ground today. We have de-cluttered, touch up painted and landscaped. Our realtor thinks that it will sell very quickly. We stand to make $75,000.00 profit off of it. In 2 years. Amazing to me.
We bought a little camper for ourselves. It's old (1986) and 19 foot but it's in great shape, can sleep all 4 of us very comfortably and everything works! We got a killer deal on it. And best of all? When it's raining in Montana and we're camping? Now we're dry! AND I don't have to pee in the woods anymore!
My Uncle Al tragically lost a battle with cancer last Friday. He was my surrogate dad growing up. Since my bio-dad was nowhere around for most of my formative years, if I needed a daddy talk, my mom would call Uncle Al. Even though they lived 1000 miles away, I always knew that he (and my Aunt Gwen (my mom's sister and Al's wife)) would be there in a hearbeat if I needed them. I always knew how proud they were of me. That's a great feeling to have. He was diagnosed at the end of March and went very quickly. Teenage Boy and I leave tomorrow morning and are driving to South Dakota for the funeral. We come home on Monday. It's going to be horribly sad but, through it all, I know there will be lots of laughter. That's just the way my family is. We make sure it's all about the good memories intermingled with the tragedy. And one thing my family knows well is tragedy. My cousin lost her husband 2 years ago. This is her dad. It sucks.
Last but definitely not least, Teenage Boy graduates from 8th grade today. I can't believe it! I just keep remembering him in his little frog shorts and t-shirt on his first day of kindergarten. He was so stinkin' cute and still is. I'm very proud of him! He turns 14 on Saturday and I'll be 31 on Sunday. Amazing how time flies.

OK, I've got a ton of stuff to do before I leave. I'll update more from the road, I'm sure.

Hey guess what?

2007-05-01T12:24:00.000-06:00

They have worn me down. Joe & Roy have won. The positives outweigh the negatives. It's the right time of year, right market, right everything.

What am I talking about, you ask yourself?

We are selling our house.

We are buying land.

We are moving back into the house we moved out of 2 years ago and going to rent it from my parents.

We are building next spring.

We are completely insane.

We are going to be investing in whiskey very soon.

Ways to pass the time

2007-04-29T20:10:00.000-06:00

This is baby crack. The boys and I have been sucked on there for the last few days. We start to play and all of the sudden, it's been 3 hours.

Baby crack, I tell ya. Consider yourselves warned.

FIVE YEARS OLD!

2007-04-22T10:07:00.001-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY SWEET, SWEET BOY.

I AM SO INCREDIBLY LUCKY TO BE YOUR MOM.

No words

2007-04-18T18:38:00.000-06:00

Such tragedy. Such heartbreak. Such a waste.

2007-04-13T08:34:00.000-06:00

Do you know how hard it is to be taken seriously in a meeting while you're wearing a Scooby Doo bandaid on your finger?

I'm just sayin.

Note to self: Buy grown up bandaids at the store.

Ugh

2007-04-11T13:22:00.000-06:00

Too many jelly beans.

Too much egg salad.

Too much ham left over.

But most of all, too many darn jelly beans.

Ugh.

My weekend. IN PICTURES!

2007-04-08T19:29:00.000-06:00

Can I get a woo-hoo? This weekend has been interesting, to say the least.

Let's see...how do I begin...I guess Friday is a good enough place to start, huh?

It has been an amazingly beautiful weekend weather wise. We went to the park on Friday afternoon and the boys hung out.

We were with Andrea and the girls (but of course) and then we went to their house for BBQ and bonfire. Spring in Montana!

Can anyone tell me what the heck this is? Roy's mom swears it's a dog but I'm just not too sure.

We got a little bit bored after marshmallows so Roy pulled some fun out of the closet. Oooh, that sounded dirty...

Yesterday was sunny and warm again and off we went to a giant easter egg hunt at some friend's house.

There were 3000 eggs hidden on their land. There were about 200 kids. You do the math. Each kid had an overabundance of eggs. Nothing like spoiling them rotten!

It kind of went downhill from there. Little Boy has been sick off and on for the last 5 weeks. He's had tonsillitis and ear infections two times and two rounds of antibiotics. He started acting a little bit off on Wednesday. Not wanting to play with his friends, whiny, clingy, etc. He seemed to be warm occasionally but I had never actually checked his temperature. After the hunt, he got super tired and really hot. He wouldn't turn his neck and was saying his eyes hurt. When we got home, we took his temp and it was 102.4. We gave him tylenol and put him down for a nap. 45 minutes later Joe checked it again. He was sleeping so Joe used it under his arm (remember, you have to add a degree to the temp you get). He was at 104.9. 106 degrees for a 4 year old is really not a good thing. Joe called his mom (a retired nurse) and, after talking to her, off we went to the E.R. By the time we got there, the tylenol had kicked in and it was down to 103.8.

His eyes still were hurting and they were worried about meningitis because he wouldn't move his neck. Flu test, strep test and a chest x-ray were where we started.

He was perking up little by little. Joe did a great job entertaining him. He's a good dad.

He thought the x-ray machine was fun. This picture cracks me up. After much time and a now very perky boy, we found out he has strep. So this is 3 times in 5 weeks that he's on antibiotic. We have an appointment with his pediatrician on Tuesday. I am thinking we'll be getting tonsils out soon. Poor kid.

We still had a bunch of people over to watch UFC last night.

This is a horrible picture but it shows our evening. Our very very buzzed evening.

Today started early with me singing at church. We had Roy and Andrea over for dinner and did egg hunts in the back yard.

Now I'm sleepy. And you're bored with reading. So I'm done.

Where I've been lately

2007-04-03T12:47:00.000-06:00

Impromptu dinner dates with the guy who makes me giggle kinda rock a little bit.

And so did that GIANT bottle of Chimas Ale. Oh so yummy.

I have a post brewing about my bio-dad and how my relationship with him and who he was has affected my entire life. We'll see if I can ever get it down on paper. More ale will help with that, I'm sure.

Stupid Howard Stern

2007-03-28T20:11:00.000-06:00

Freak boy isn't in the bottom three.

Voting public of American Idol, I am serving you notice.

The hell? Part two

2007-03-27T19:53:00.000-06:00

What happened to Sanjaya's hair??????????????

Now I hate him more.

And Gina rocked again.

And yes, Robin, you were right. Sometimes it takes really bad tv to bring me out of seclusion.

The hell?

2007-03-21T20:29:00.000-06:00

Sanjaya is still there? Is America tone deaf?

DUDE!

2007-03-20T19:58:00.000-06:00

I loved Phil tonight. Tobacco Road rocked. (In my personal opinion, which I'm sure some will disagree with. Snot.)

Edited to add: Gina rocks. I love her. Her look, her hair, her voice, all of it. I love chicks who can rock.

Still very tired but all done with my long days. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow with sick Little Boy and not go into work until 10. That will absolutely rock. Rock the casbah.

Can you tell I've had wine? I love wine. And to whine. Whining is good too. And I'm tired. Oh so very tired. Too tired to really sleep. And that just sucks. But, on the up side, I'm american idolin' it and going to watch Bad Girls Club next.

Can I get a woot woot? Or whatever.

Stinkin Tired

2007-03-19T20:32:00.000-06:00

Worked 13 hours today.
Have to work 13 hours tomorrow.
Slept 4 hours last night.
So stinkin' tired.

I have so much to say! About houseguest moving back to Cali on Thursday...about our weekend plans in Spokane...about St. Patricks Day (with pictures!)

Just too tired to say it.

Be back soon. Hopefully Wednesday???

I just don't know

2007-03-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to write something just to get that last post off of the top of the page. (makes you happy, doesn't it, Robin? I know you had it out against Sundance from the very beginning!

If only I had voted. Perhaps it would have made a difference.

Things are crazy busy at work. I feel like I'm meeting myself coming and going without a break in between ends. It's just going to get busier through the next week though. We have a huge event coming up March 19 and 20 and our secretary is out all of next week. My boss actually pulled me into his office and apologized for approving her vacation today. AND he hired a temp for next week. That was super nice. It's nice to be appreciated where you are, you know?

Joe and I went on a surprise date tonight. The boys didn't want to go to dinner with us so we left them home (oh the joys of them being 10 years apart!) and went by ourselves. It was nice. I had a bottle of wine and he had the huckleberry cheesecake. Priorities, you know.

Spring is springing up all over the place here in Northwest Montana. Everyday I'm more and more blown away by the fact that I get to live in this amazingly beautiful place. I know others would agree with me too. It is astounding and I'm more and more flabbergasted the older I get.

Best friends birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. We have a weekend away planned. In Spokane.
Which is the nearest big city type place we can find. We're not sure what to do over there though. With Joe being an alcoholic, going to a bar or dance club is out. But Andrea, Roy and I all still like to drink. He is ok with it, just not in a setting where that's all anyone does. So I need ideas. What is a good night time grown up without the kids activity that isn't only a bar? Help, please?

Sundance rocks.

2007-03-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's official. I'm either voting for Sundance, the beebopper (how do you spell that?) or Chris. Or I would...if I actually voted. But I dig Sundance. (hahaha..I just typed "I did Sundance"...which I totally would have before I met Joe...but ANYWAY) Jeremy's spoken? Which Gen X'r doesn't remember that video????

Uncle Al is not doing well. The found out today that the cancer is on both lungs, his liver, his adrenal glands and his brain. It is an aggressive cancer so hopefully it will respond to chemo too. I'm hoping and praying anyway. He's the one, you know? I'm having a harder time with this than with my own bio-dad's death. Maybe because my dad died due to liver failure because of alcoholism and cancer is such an evil disease? I don't know. All I know is that when my dad (who I did love very very much) wasn't there for me, Uncle Al was. Anyway. I've told them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. For now, that's all I can do.

Ooooh, I know...I'll let you in on a little trick...you should buy really big wine glasses. Then, if anyone asks, you can say that you've only had 1 glass. Of course, it was 1/2 bottle but they don't need to know that!!!

And on that note, I'm out. Jessie's got more wine to drink and more photos to edit.

No real words

2007-03-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

I just got a phone call. My Uncle Al was admitted to the hospital today. He has been suffering from a cough and, last week, after an xray, they told him he had a spot on his lung. He was scheduled to go in tomorrow for a cat scan. He had leg pain today bad enough that they took him to the hospital. They did the cat scan. He has lung cancer and it has spread to his brain. He has a brain tumor. That's all we know.

He and my grandfather are the only constant father figures I have had in my life. Even though they live 1000 miles away from us, he has always gone out of his way to make me feel special. Important. Loved. He has been married to my mom's oldest sister for almost 50 years. They were high school sweethearts and have one daughter. She lost her husband tragically 1 1/2 years ago. She has 2 sons. My aunt and uncle sold everything they had, my aunt retired from her job and they moved 300 miles to live 1 block away from their daughter. They thought it was important that the boys have their grandfather around and that they be there to help with Janelle. I am heartbroken. We don't know anything else yet. Just that it doesn't look good.

Parenting sucks sometimes.

2007-02-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

Teenage Boy has gotten himself into a whole crapload of trouble. EVERYTHING out of his mouth is a lie. He has a 35% in his English class. He has skipped detentions because he didn't tell me he had them.

He has lost his cell phone.

His mp3 player.

His computer.

His swimming lessons.

He is in the process of cleaning out his room. All he will have in there is clothes and his bed. We're hoping that hitting rock bottom will wake him up. This sucks. And he doesn't seem to give a rip. He cried at first but it just seems to annoy him more than anything.

Why am I more affected by this than he is? I want so badly for him to do well. I want so badly for him to feel pride in himself. To be a man of integrity. To have his yes' mean yes and his no's mean no.

When I wake up tomorrow, could they both be happy, well adjusted grown men, please?

Am I a freak?

2007-02-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

So how normal is it to have a crush on your children's doctor? I mean, I've heard of other women afflicted but... I never thought I would be one of them. Maybe it's just because they are so good with our kids? So knowledgeable? Can make them feel all better? Who knows. Even though the boys' doctor is NOT my type at all, I find him strangely hot.

Little Boy had his FIVE year well child check up today. Did you hear that? That's the sound of my ovaries exploding. He's almost FIVE years old. What the? Where the? What happened? The good news? He is on the growth chart! For the first time since he was 6 months old, he's on the growth chart! Woo-hoo! Sure, it might only be in the 4th% for weight and 10th% for height but he's on there! That so rocks! Look! Blatant abuse of exclamation points! Get your bad grammar here! Woot! The not so good news is that we are now scheduled for a hearing test on Monday afternoon. Dr. J sat and talked to Little Boy for 20 minutes. Just talked to him and listened to him. (You see why I think he's hot? He wasn't required by blood to listen to a four year old's stories! But he still did!) ANYWAY...redirect... Little Boy had to have ear tubes twice by the time he was two. Part of his Celiac Disease showed up in chronic ear infections and other things. The last time we had his hearing tested (before his 2nd set of tubes was placed) his right eardrum was completely non functioning. After hearing him talk, Dr. J wants to rule out permanent hearing damage. His speaking pattern is indicative of hearing loss. Nothing too major though but it would definitely explain some things! So we'll see on Monday.

Other than that? Not much exciting. He got 3 shots, which sucked. He looked at the nurse and asked her, through tears, why she kept hurting him. He's such a goofball. That made me tear up. He's a goofball, I'm a wuss. Teenage Boy is at a Junior High Boys lock in with our church. Playing in hot tubs and Nintendo all night. Joe is teaching a Taekwondo belt test. He's on his way home now. I'm on my 2nd glass of wine. All is good.

Everyone have exciting plans for the weekend?

Didya miss me?

2007-02-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

It seems like I haven't posted in a long, long time. I guess it has been a few days. We've just been so busy with re-entry and stuff. Joe is still unbelievably jetlagged. He's slept maybe 3 hours a night since he got home. It was an amazing experience for him. He's ready to go back today. I've set him up with his own flickr account so if you're interested he's one of my contacts. He hasn't added any descriptions yet but you can kinda tell what you're seeing. Lots of smiling babies faces.

It's actually been really hard having him home. I hadn't realized how used to being alone I had gotten. I feel like the boys and I got into a good pattern and now that dad's home again, it threw a wrench in it. Ah well...we'll get back to where we were. It's been hard for the boys too. More so than I thought it would be. For the first time in their lives, I'm the one they want! Woot! Joe and I are going to go away on Saturday night. Not far, just to the next town. We rented a suite in a hotel and we're going to go out to dinner. It will be nice to have some alone time.

Almost there

2007-02-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

2 1/2 hours to go until we head for the airport. To say that I'm excited is an understatement. We were supposed to be picking him up right now but the travel agent screwed up. The itineraries that we have show them confirmed on a flight that only flies during the week. How that happened, we have no idea. And the travel agency is closed on the weekends. Anyway, 2 1/2 hours.

Woo-hoo!!

A little bit hyper today

2007-02-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

So I had a HUGE coffee this morning. From Star*bucks. (and I loved it, Slinger!) We just got our first Star*bucks and I'm quite happy with it...

Best friend and I are going out tonight. I am so freakin' excited I can't even see straight. We just have so much fun with our girls nights. And the boys get home tomorrow! Woo-hoo!

That is all.

My pathetic beats your pathetic any day of the week.

2007-02-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

So it's Valentine's Day. And here I sit. On my bed with my laptop on my lap. I'm eating the chocolates that I bought for myself and admiring the flowers that my big brother got for me because he felt sorry for me. Yup. Here I am, a woman who has been married for 10 years this year and I'm all by myself. Who cares, right? It's a commercial holiday that is by no means a measure of how much love someone has for you. So why do I give a rip? Why is this hard? I'm sure it has a lot to do with how close we are to the end of their trip. He'll be home on Saturday night. I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'm looking forward to him being safe again. I think I'm just done. My patience with the boys is at an all time low. I want to be a fun mom. I want to make good memories with them but it's just so hard.

I took Little Boy to the dr. last night. He has had a low grade fever for a week and a horrible cough. He complained about his ears once or twice but then he stopped. When I picked him up from preschool yesterday, I realized that he just looked not well. He had sick eyes. When he was a baby, he was sick so often that I learned those eyes very well. We sat in the office for over 2 hours and the whole time we were there he played. He was acting totally fine. Without a care in the world. But when the doctor looked in his ears, she was amazed. Both of his ears are bright red and bulging and looked horribly painful. AND he has tonsillitis too. Poor kid. They put him on a heavy duty antibiotic and gave him tylenol with codeine for his horrible cough and to help him sleep. So I know that he has been so incredibly freakin' whiny because he doesn't feel well but it doesn't make it easier. And I found out tonight that Teenage Boy has a 35% in his English class. And we're only 3 weeks into the quarter. He's missing a TON of assignments but keeps telling me that he doesn't have homework.

Is it Saturday yet? I'm ready to be off duty.

Anyway...sorry I'm such a downer. Just kinda where I am right now, I guess. Best friend and I got a babysitter for all the kids on Friday night and we are going to go play pool before the husband's get home. 48 hours to go. That will be a nice break.

Happy Valentine's Day one and all!

Lots of little updates

2007-02-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

It has been 16 days since Joe left the country. Actually, except for a few days (and minutes and hours every day) here and there, we've done remarkably well. It has been odd though. I never really realized how much the hub of our family he really is. Slinger, take note...even if you don't think you're important, you are. I bought a little cassette recorder that Little Boy has been recording into every day. He's putting things on there that he wants to tell Daddy. The night before I bought this (thanks for the idea, Mom!) he woke me up in the middle of the night just sobbing. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I just can't remember what I want to tell Daddy!" Broke my heart. The recorder was a great idea. Last Thursday, he was being very naughty at bedtime. He wouldn't go to bed. He finally said that he just wanted to talk to Daddy. So I let him record. He put that recorder to his mouth and said, "Daddy, I'm trying to be really good but I'm just so naughty...so very, very naughty..." He cracks me up.

Joe did buy a satellite phone while he was gone. I've talked to him frequently. They have been having an awesome time. They have delivered a ton of shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. They were able to go to a children's hospital. Joe was so affected by this. He was telling me about how lucky we are. If the parents didn't have the money up front, their children did not get the medicine. He just text messaged me and told me that one of the baby girl's he saw just died. She had a diaper rash. Her parent's couldn't afford any medicine. A diaper rash. Such a waste.

We are doing better. Maybe it's the wine speaking but we are doing better today. We only have until Saturday and they'll be home. I'm ready to run away!

And I'm done. Too tired to type more. Funny how that is.

Not so cavalier

2007-02-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

So remember when I said that we were doing well without Joe? Yeah. That was just yesterday? My how things change. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm ready to not have to be "on duty" all the time. I do have a renewed respect for single parents though. Who takes care of them when they're sick? I just want homemade chicken noodle soup with the real thick noodles. Unfortunately, nobody to make it for me. Oh my gosh, I am such a whiner.

Amer*can Idol comes on in 1/2 hour. That should be good for some mindless entertainment. I kinda feel bad for the clueless ones. I think that their friends need to be hung up to dry. Putting them out there to be humiliated. What kind of a friend is that?

In other news, a bloggy friend of mine is really hurting right now. Just know, dear one, that if there is anything I can do, you have but to ask. I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I could create a band aid that would be effective. Or that I lived closer so I could help you numb your senses.

Seriously??

2007-02-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

Are you freakin' kidding me???

Elmer Fudd is my idol.

2007-02-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

We seem to be surviving without Joe. The day to day stuff is going pretty well. I'm exhausted though. I forget just how hard it is to be both mom and dad to two kids when you're used to having a partner. I miss him. I wake up every night 4 or 5 times...just feeling like something is missing. I have gotten to talk to him quite a bit though and he's having a marvelous time. Already planning on when he wants to go back and bring me too. We're looking at 2 years. Oh...here's a funny...he's been working at some orphanages while he's down there. He wants to start looking into adopting a baby. Yep. Adoption is something that has always been on our minds and in our hearts. Obviously. Teenage Boy is adopted but it's a different situation because biologically, he belongs to Joe. But this is something that he really would like to think about together. So...that's a lot to digest. I wouldn't be adverse to it, I don't think. I'm actually kind of excited about talking more to him when he gets home. We'll see.

I have a bad cold. I'm sounding like Elmer Fudd. He totally rocks, by the way. He set the standard for germ ridden disc jockeys everywhere. He pulls off the nasal congestion so well. And I might be a little bit high from the cold medicine, did I mention that?

My baby is officially growing up. Little Boy had his first sleepover at a friend's house last weekend. He did really well! Slept better than he does at home. And later too. Which is stupid. He's supposed to get up really early when he's at someone else's house! But no, he slept until 8:30. I'm glad he had fun. But he's only 4. I'm just not ready for him to grow up yet, I don't think.

Work is super busy. My next scheduled day off is the day that Joe gets home. February 17. That will make 12 days in a row at the station. On the up side, Saturday and Sunday are only a few hours each day. We have an on air auction on Saturday and I work my last Sunday shift this week, which is only 3 hours. But still. Oi. I'm tired already.

I need some advice from y'all. (Really? I just typed that? And I'm leaving it? I am falling into so many Montana stereotypes right now.) I need healthy, EASY meals for my kids and I. I am really quite ready to start forcing them to eat better but I need to have the time to do it. Any suggestions?

Worth it.

2007-02-02T10:00:00.001-07:00

Squishy Lips times 2
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

Happiness is a boy who loves you anyway. Even when you mess up.

Parenting

2007-01-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

Do you ever look back at your day and think to yourself, "Crap. I certainly messed my kids up today"?

I feel off. Not sure what's wrong. No patience. No energy. No desire to do much or talk to anyone.

I blew it with Little Boy today. Let's just say that my reaction (or overreaction as the case may be) will be fodder for many a therapy session.

Sometimes I think my kids deserve so much better than me.

Going, going, gone!

2007-01-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that after much drama, Joe is officially out of the country.

A day later than he was supposed to be.

Let's just say that LAX has never seen the likes of the stomach flu that Roy was struck with on Saturday. And that Joe and Roy are now entirely too close of friends. They have seen more of each other than guy friends in their 30's ever should.

Now if I could just figure out the time difference and when he's going to get there exactly, we would be good to go.

Frozen pizza and nachos are healthy, well balanced meals for my children, right??

So Sad. - UPDATED-UPDATED AGAIN!

2007-01-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

Loic's body was recovered last night. They are not releasing any more information at this time. Sheriff Mike Meehan will be having a press conference at 3:00 today to give more details.

This heartbreaking story has come to a tragic end. I can only hope...actually, I don't know what to hope for. The worst has happened. Does it really matter how it came to that conclusion? Would it make me feel better to think that he froze because I can't handle the idea of someone intentionally hurting him? But if that was the case, wouldn't they have found him sooner? They had more than 200 people looking for him for the last 3 days. No stone unturned.

His family is having to go through the hardest thing they will ever experience right now. They have my thoughts and my prayers. Please do the same.

UPDATE: I just found out the details. He was found underneath a tarp in a wood pile less than 10 feet from the garage of the house. He was playing hide & seek apparently. With the temperatures the way they were that night, being in the frozen wood and unable to breathe properly under the tarp, they think that he fell asleep within 5 minutes (they originally thought 15 but they've changed that). After that? He just didn't wake up. It's still so horribly sad. Why didn't he answer his daddy???

SECOND UPDATE: The original details that we were given were wrong. The Sheriff's office issued an incorrect press release. (how does that happen? think somebody might be fired on monday?) He was not under a tarp in a wood pile. He was in the septic tank. They are not sure how he got there. Right now it doesn't look like he was placed there by someone else. There is going to be a huge investigation into the sewer cap and how he got there. It's horrible and tragic. They have the same sewer line that we have and the septic caps are not good. We had to have ours replaced last summer because it kept popping open. It was hinged on one side which is a lame design, IMO. If they had the same kind, there is a chance that he opened it up to look inside and fell. Then it would have fallen closed behind him and no one would have seen that it looked different. They have already done the autopsy and the cause of death was drowning.

It's horrible.

Update

2007-01-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

He goes by Tank. He is blonde haired with blue eyes. He stands 3 feet tall and weighs 40 pounds. Which is why they call him Tank, I guess. They have now officially issued an Amber Alert. The Police Department do not think he is in the area any longer. The Sheriff did release a statement saying that if he was outside last night, it would have been almost impossible for him to survive the weather. I just keep praying that he is curled up in a shed somewhere. We've got a cool playhouse in our backyard...I so wish he was in it.

There have now been reports of a guy going door to door on that street telling people he was selling Tuperware around the same time. He is now a person of interest. Does Tuperware even get sold door to door anymore???

Heartache

2007-01-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

There is a 3 year old little boy missing. He was being babysat by a relative and his dad came to pick him up last night around 6:00. His dad put him in his carseat in the mini-van and then went back inside to get his younger sibling. When the dad came back outside, Loic (Loh-ick) was gone. This all happened less than 1/2 mile away from our home. They called the police right away and, by the time we were notified at 9:00, there were over 50 people + police + firemen + dogs out looking for him. We joined in. There has been no sign of him. There is a creek in the area that leads to an aquifer. We are socked in with incredibly dense freezing fog. It got down to 20 degrees last night. He is wearing a winter coat and hat but has no gloves. There is a huge part of me that doesn't think he wandered off. I think he was snatched.

It's 1/2 mile away from my house. How many times has Little Boy been playing outside and I've run into the house to grab something? Just for a minute? Just turned my back? How must his dad and mom be feeling right now?

I am heartbroken for them. I just want their son happy and safe. The town we live in is still very small town mentality. Bad things are not supposed to happen here. The whole town is rallying. But what can we do? Offer our help searching, of course. Make coffee, absolutely. But how does that truly help them? How does that take away the pit in their stomachs?

I will hold my boys tighter and keep them closer. I will not turn my back. For awhile. And then we will get comfortable again. And forget. Why are there bad people? How can someone look at a 3 year old baby boy and want to hurt them?

I don't understand. I am heartsick.

How to pass the time.

2007-01-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I swear, I have allot of stuff to do at work. But how could I resist becoming an M & M? I mean, please. Check out my hotness! Uncanny resemblance, is it not? From the becoming pear shape, the fashionable elbow length gloves and all the way down to the camera fixed around her neck. She's me, all right.

Give it a try!

*Yes, I am aware that there is a very slight smidgen of a possibility that I am desperately trying to distract myself from the fact that Joe leaves in THREE days. There is a chance that I am starting to freak a little bit out and just trying to focus on something...anything other than that.*

Seriously? I'm not drunk enough to watch A.I.

2007-01-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

What the heck is going on? Who are these people? How is it possible that they think they're good? What the? The employee and the boss? Just weird. I'm very close with my boss but...just...ewwww...

I've only had 1 glass of wine. I need more to deal with this. I wanna be drunk like Paula Abdul. Apparently insisted is a hard, hard word. When you're trashed on national t.v. I guess.

Of course, I could just turn the channel. But then I would miss her be-bopping to the California Dreaming guy whose eyebrows are more shaped than mine! Wait...he's only 16? Holy cow. There weren't guys like that when I was younger. He's way too metro for me. And now he's on the phone with his unsupportive mama. "She's proud of me...she's proud of me." OK, buddy. I see a stray hair in your coif, I believe. Better check yo'self.

Commercial break. So all I keep seeing today is people talking about how awesome 24 was last night. I've never watched it. How much am I missing? Is it still possible to get caught up this late in the game? Is it worth the attempt?

T minus 10 days until Joe leaves. I'm feeling much more secure about it. I might be looking for someone to buy my surly teenager before he gets back but, other than that? It's all gravy.

Dain Bramaged

2007-01-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I win lamest post title ever! Woot! (that's for you, Robin)

I've had this little block thing going on. I just can't seem to wrap my brain around anything long enough to get a post formulated. It sucks but that's what it is.

In answer to your questions, Joe is going to the Philippines on a build trip. He is going to be hiking in to a tribe (we're not allowed to know which one yet) and building a church. One of the first buildings that this tribe will have with a complete foundation and real walls. Pretty cool. Then he gets to go to all these little villages and deliver shoeboxes. Have you ever heard of Operation Christmas Child? That's what he gets to do. That's going to be the really fun part. He digs kids so much and he's going to give them their first Christmas present ever in some cases. I'm feeling better about him going, mostly because I can't change it. Why fight it? I wouldn't want him to stay here. I know he's supposed to go so I know he'll be safe.

That's all I've got for you today. Joe's brother and his family are in from out of town so we've been swamped with familial duty. We ended up with all the kids at our house on Saturday night because Jason hit his head while we were sledding. He had a Grade 2 concussion and was hospitalized overnight. He's ok now and will have a great story to take back to the firestation in Southern Cali.

And now my brain is done.

2006-12-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

I sit here with my laptop on my lap. It's just after 7 on a Saturday morning and I've been up for 2 hours. The one day a week I can sleep in. So why am I awake? Why are my thoughts so loud? I wake up in a start with a sick feeling in my stomach. So much going on...so much happening. Yet everything in limbo.

I'm nervous about Joe going to the Philippines in January. We recently found out that the tribes he is going to are very against tattoos. The only people that had tattoos were head hunters in the past and they are associated with thiefs and criminals now. These tribes are still so old fashioned that, unless the have time to get to know you, if they see your tattoos you will be ostracized at best. Joe is covered in tats. All down his arms, his legs, his back. I'm just so thankful that he didn't get any up on his neck like his plan was. He'll have to wear long sleeve shirts and pants while they get accustomed to him. It's 115 degrees there on a cool day. He's also going to be 50 miles away from where there were recent kidnappings. After everything that's happened in Iraq today...with the big hanging and stuff...chances are the terrorist groups are gonna be all riled up.

I'm scared to death. I know he's supposed to be going. He's only going to be gone for 3 weeks. But what am I going to do if anything happens to him? He's the kind of guy that if he sees an injustice, he won't stand for it. I can't tell him my fears. He needs my support right now. Not my whining. That's what ya'll are for.

Did you know that Al Qu*ada trains in the Philippines? Did you know that they hate westerners? Did you know that there are numerous travel warnings against going there for westerners?

I have to get my (probably completely irrational) fears out somewhere. I can't talk to him about them. How am I supposed to put on a happy face and support him? Anybody? Anybody?

God bless us, everyone...(and stuff)

2006-12-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

So it's Christmas Eve. My parents and brother (and family of course) left an hour ago. Our street is lined with luminaria and is amazingly beautiful. The lights are lit and the stockings are stuffed. In other words? I get to take a rest now.

Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope that your day is filled with love and squishy stuff. The good squishies.

Good way to spend a friday

2006-12-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah me! I've been tagged! Thanks, Slinger. This one sounds kinda fun though.

Popcorn or Candy? Both actually. Popcorn with butter and M & M's thrown in while it's still hot.

Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. The Indiana Jones series. Yep...I missed them all.

Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Angelina Jolie from Tomb Raider. Only if I get the body to go with it though.

Your favorite film franchise is: The Matrix trilogy. Keanu is smokin.

Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? Keanu Reeves, Matthew McConaughey, Salma Hayek, Halle Berry and Drake from Drake & Josh (don't judge me!). I invited them because they're hot. I would feed them nachos and beer. And me. ;-)

What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? Take their clothes and make them stand in front of the theatre while we throw things at them.

Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens, Mystique from X-Men, Sarah Connor from Terminator 2, The Bride from Kill Bill, or Mace from Strange Days. Sarah Connor from Term 2. She rocked.

What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? I don't watch many scary movies but when I was in junior high I was forced to watch Freddy. The couple I watched it with went into the bedroom and *ahem* got comfortable while it was on so I was all alone. Didn't like that too much.

Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama"). Let's go with "artsy". That's a genre, right?

You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? I cannot beat Slinger's answer. Check his out and pretend I said it first!

Bonnie or Clyde? Definately Bonnie. She's a badass. I love tough chicks.

I'm going to tag Robin and DD. Merry Meme!

There is nothing sweeter...

2006-12-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

than looking in your mirror into the back seat and watching your child bopping and singing along to the music.

I never knew it was possible to love someone so much.

Addicted!

2006-12-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

Gee, thanks, Mr. Nice Guy. Just what I needed...another way to pass the time besides working! Check it out!

Making a list and checking it twice...

2006-12-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah! A bullet post! Just what you always wanted, right? Right. Here we go!

Things I have not done for Christmas yet

Decorated upstairs. The downstairs is done. The tree (real, of course) is up and prettyfied. However, my upstairs living areas are very very bare.
Made cookies with the boys. Yeah, I suck.
Sent out cards. They are made though so I guess that's a step in the right direction.
Finished shopping. I thought I was done. I wasn't. I hate shopping.
Paid any bills for December. So this isn't really a Christmas one but it is what it is. I just have not had time to sit down and do it. Our creditors love us right now.
Drank too much spiked egg nog. However, I did have my first jello shot. That's gotta count for something, right?
Planned any part of Christmas Eve dinner OR Christmas dinner. And why must we celebrate with a different side of the family on each day? And why must they always be at my house?
Cleaned. Once again, not specifically for Christmas but I'm blaming my lack of motivation on the Baby Jesus. I'm trying to recreate the smell of the manger.

Things I have done for Christmas

Wrapped gifts. My kids are spoiled. So are my nieces and nephews. And I'm broke. Did I mention that?
Bought and decorated a tree. We did not cut down our own, however. Snow and cold sucks.
Ordered Joe's present offline. Hopefully it will be here in time. If not? I don't care. I'll give him a different gift and between you and me, he'll probably like that better. *wink wink*
Huh...I'm running out here. Apparently, I'm not nearly as ready as I thought. Where did 2006 go???
Wished all of you a Merry Christmas. (see that? i'm taking credit for having it done WHILE actually doing it! that's creativity right there!)

Tagged

2006-12-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

Gee, thanks, Robin!

The point of this meme? To take a picture of yourself right now and post it to your blog. This is teenage boy and me, being really excited to be tagged.

Let's see...who should I tag...Oh Slinger, you're it!

Changing the title 'cause Robin said I should.

2006-12-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since my last post? Huh. Yeah. Sorry about that. You'll be happy to know that Little Boy is feeling much better now. He did christen Joe's new truck with puke. That was lovely. So glad Daddy decided to pick him up. ;-)

Teenage Boy rocked it on Friday. There were 20 candidates and only 2 got A+ on the test. And of course, my boy was one of the two! Even with a horribly sprained ankle. And he competed in a tournament on Saturday where he free sparred (kicked the crap out of each other) the kid who is ranked number one in their division in the country. He lost, but only by one point. A very good weekend for him over all.

Work has been interesting. Lots of stuff going on. Mostly stuff that sucks. I'm hoping that I'm making entirely too big of a deal out of it.

On the upside, I picked up all of our layaway from a big box store today so Christmas shopping is done, for the most part.

I think that's it. Although it does seem like I'm forgetting to tell you something. Let me see...what could it be...seems like it might have been kind of important...hmmmm...oh yeah, that's right

HOUSEGUEST MOVED OUT!!! I AM FREE TO WALK AROUND SANS BRA AGAIN!

Do you hear that noise? That's the angels singing.

That is all.

Well then

2006-11-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

Little boy's preschool just called. He's throwing up. There is another kid there that has stomach flu so... Side note. Why in the hell do parents send their kids to school sick? Like throwing up, fever, got the runs sick? I just don't get it. I understand that some bosses can be really stupid but if you have to leave your sick child, aren't there better jobs out there for you? OK, that's all.

Joe is on his way to pick him up and I'll meet them at home and take over. Not quite sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. Teenage boy is testing for his 2nd degree black belt in Taekwondo (I am SOOO proud, by the way) and the test is 5 hours long. My sister in law was supposed to watch Little boy through it because he would be oh so bored. They have a 5 month old baby and I wouldn't want him to get sick.

I think that Robin's little boy has sent the crud our way. Thanks for that!

See you on the other side.

Blockage

2006-11-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am blocked. Stuck. Bound up. Got nothin. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I am so busy with work, so busy with home stuff, so frustrated with teenage boy and his inability to turn his homework in, so so so so so incredibly ready for housguest to move out. I can't form a complete sentance in my brain and transfer it onto paper. It's just not happening.

I will resume my life on the web when my brain resumes functioning.

For my friend who's struggling right now, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you like I should have been since Thanksgiving. I read your blogpost today but couldn't comment for some stupid reason (probably my fault). I know you'll read this so...

You know how I feel about your situation. You know I think you deserve better. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

Turkey Day

2006-11-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all. May your day be filled with family, friends and peace. If you're hosting the festivities at your house, may it also be filled with wine. Lots and lots of wine.

We have 24 people coming to our house today. It's 10:00 am and houseguest is still asleep. We still have to clean up our family room, which is his room now. Soon he will be woken up with cold cold water.

What am I thankful for this year? In addition to my family, my friends, my home and all of the other typical stuff, I am oh so thankful because we got some great news yesterday.

Houseguest has a job. He starts on Monday. He found an apartment and he moves out in 2 weeks. For that, I am truly thankful.

Overheard

2006-11-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Little boy to houseguest, "Uncle, I like you."
Houseguest to Little boy, "I like you too."
Little boy to houseguest, "You should get a job."

Amen, Little boy, Amen.

Blech!

2006-11-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

That's the sound that my week has made. I have been too busy to come up for air. Work is nuts and we have a relative staying with us. It has been 5 days so far and I'm ready for him to move out. When is that going to happen? Yeah, that's the million dollar question. Who knows. I walked downstairs to my former family room and walked into a mess that looks like a mouse lives there and is very very happy. There were underwear lying on the ground. Just lying there. In the middle of my family room floor. I'm done. So done.

In other news...I have been promising to send some pictures to a new friend but haven't had a chance to take them yet. Rest assured, friend o'mine, reciprocation is coming.

That is all. I will update again when I have a chance. Still to come...the joy of driving on ice in the winter time and how our houseguest backed into a parked car and sent it into traffic. Fun!

My Montana

2006-11-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

Glacier National Park
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

I was born on a couch. My parents had planned to have a home birth but it didn't go as expected. They had been working with a midwife who lived out of town and we lived out of town in the other direction. They were sure that she would be able to arrive in time. Guess what? She didn't. When my mom went into labor they started calling. The midwife's phone was busy busy busy. This was in 1976 and so not many people had call waiting. She didn't.

After they finally got her on the phone, she took off to get there. She was stopped by a Highway Patrolman who did not believe she was on her way to deliver a baby. So my dad delivered me. Lucky for me, he had read a book. Until the day he died almost 2 years ago, he called me his little smurf. I had the cord wrapped around my neck three times and was blue.

The house that I was born in is 20 miles away from where I live now. I hated living here growing up. It was boring. Backwoods. We got all of the current trends late. It just seemed so podunk to be from Montana. I ran away from here and swore I would never come back. But then I did. And I fell in love.

It is amazing to me that I am blessed enough to live here. It is a safe place to raise my boys. I am secure here. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I look out my window every day and see the mountains, take a deep breath of the clean, crisp air and I feel liberated. The chains that I felt bound me when I was young are gone. When I'm hiking the trails and I reach the peak, I feel like I can touch heaven.

I have no illusions that my kids will enjoy being here as they get older. They are going to struggle with the same things I did. There still isn't anything for them to do. We still get the trends way after other places. But I hope that I can instill in them the love that I have for this State. That the smell the permeates our lungs after a spring rain will be as exhilarating to them as it is to me. That they feel blessed to live here.

I have pride in being a Native Montanan. And that's something I never thought I would say. I love this state.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. Go here to read more!

I voted.

2006-11-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

Therefore, I reserve the absolute right to complain.

My heart on my sleeve

2006-11-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

My boys
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

I had always been told that when you have kids, it's like having your heart walk around outside of your body. I never believed that. I always thought that I would love my children like I loved everyone else in my life...somewhat detached.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was so wounded that my heart was frozen. I had been so hurt by people that were supposed to take care of me that I had chosen to close off pieces of myself. When Teenage Boy came into my life, the walls crumbled. And when Little Boy was born, they turned into concrete dust.

I love Teenage Boy's heart. He cares for people so deeply that if someone is hurting, he hurts.
I love his wit. His sense of humor. His smart alec-ness.

I love Little boy's charm. He can wrap anyone around his little finger in .02.
I love his goofy self. The kind spirit. His knowledge of himself, of who he is, even at 4 years old.

I love watching them together. Little Boy reach up and pull Teenage Boy's face down to him. Placing his little chubby hands on both sides of his face and then whispering so earnestly, I love you. You're my favorite big brudder ever. Seeing Teenage Boy's face melt. Love rush into his eyes as he responds in kind.

It fills my heart when Teenage Boy comes running out of his school just because he wants to show Little Boy off to his friends.

These boys are my everything. They made me whole with their love for each other and as long as they have that, nothing can stop them.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. Go here to find more links.

Post candy letdown

2006-11-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

Overheard from the kitchen this morning...

Little Boy: Is it halloween time still?
Teenage Boy: Nope, halloween is over. Thanksgiving is the next holiday
Little Boy: Thanks, Give me?
Teenage Boy: (obviously only half listening) Yep.
Little Boy: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I don't want to give my candy back!!!!

Just can't get enough

2006-10-31T08:44:00.000-07:00

The main problem with working in the same office as your spouse is that you work in the same office with your spouse. Therefore, if (when?) you fight at home, you just can't. get. away from him. Too much togetherness.

My husband has started a job at my radio station. He is selling advertising and is doing a great job at it. He's got the exact right personality to do it. I would hate it with the hate of an opera singer and fat lady jokes. But he's good at it. The problem is that he keeps asking me questions. I don't do that. I don't train new employees. I don't have time for that. And I'm struggling. I want to go back into my coccoon in my corner and let the secretary train him. It is likely I'm going to kill him before it's over. My worlds have collided.

And on Mondays like yesterday, when we were fighting (over socks, no less) before we even got to work, it sucks even more. I like to watch him walk around in the office because it's great eye candy but he's so stubborn that he just drives me nuts. And we're together all the time. All. The. Time.

Hold me.

Love is a home

2006-10-26T10:11:00.000-06:00

The farm
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

It was the home that my grandfather was raised in. It was the home that my mother was raised in, along with her 7 brothers and sisters. The front lawn boasted a giant tree where my dad proposed to my mom. It was built by my great-grandfather and kept so many secrets.

Every Christmas we would make the 1000 mile drive to South Dakota. We would usually get to the farm after dark. Driving down the dirt roads, through the corn fields, the smell of dust so thick in my throat. I was so excited to get there. We would walk in through the kitchen, where my Grandma would always be. My Gummy, so happy to see us. The house would be full of smells from her baking. And the front porch full of the fruits of her labor. She made Christmas wreaths out of Corn Flakes, marshmallows, butter, food coloring and red hots. My cousins and I would sneak out onto the porch to steal a few. What I recently found out is that she always made way more than she needed just for that reason.

The family would gather around the big piano in the dining room. My Aunt Gwen would being to play and we would all sing. Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright... We would instinctually split into harmonies. It was such a beautiful sound. Overwhelming.

I would wake up in my mother's childhood bedroom. Comb my hair in front of her mirror. Imagine what it was like for her when she was my age. I wanted to badly to impress my relatives. I was the girl from Montana that they really barely new and I wanted them to think I was special. My Gummy and Papa were so good to show all the grandkids how much they meant to them. That wasn't easy since there are 30 of us.

Taking walks in the snow, being pulled on a sled behind the snowmobiles, this house and it's land were everything. They were my grounding point. The spot where I would dream about when things got tough. When my parents divorced, I cried under "their" tree. And when my dad died in 2005, a picture of that tree was the start to his photo slide show.

The farm was sold a few years ago. But the memories live on. And whenever I go to South Dakota, that is the first drive I take. I take my children down the dirt roads, through the corn fields. I walk with them to the bridge and I sit with them under the tree. I pass along my memories of this house, this home. My central spot.

Happy Love Thursday.

Go here to read more!

SnarfleSniffleSnorf

2006-10-25T14:08:00.000-06:00

That's the sound of me attempting to breathe. I've got the crud. My throat is sore, my body aches and I can't breathe with my mouth shut.

Yeah baby, I'm sexy.

Ooooh, I also lost my voice. Which is AWESOME for a d.j. I am surprised at the amount of comments that I've gotten this week on how quiet it is in the office. I guess if I'm not here or here but not speaking, the fun doesn't show up.

Woot.

The troublemaker

2006-10-17T13:45:00.000-06:00

Teenage Boy and Me
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

Here he is. Teenage boy. I am in so much trouble with this kid. He's 13 and wants to make out with girls. He's cute enough that he probably could. He's testing for his 2nd degree black belt in Taekwondo this December so he's got the whole aloof athlete thing down.

Is it really THAT illegal to lock him in his room until he's 18?

How would you title this?

2006-10-16T11:32:00.000-06:00

Teenage boy and I were hanging out in the family room last night. He had just gotten back from goofing off with his friends and some girls in their class. Their 8th grade class, mind you. We were talking about who is "dating" who and all the accompanying stuff. T.B. was telling me about one of his friends and how he has kissed girls.

Then he asked me if it would be ok if he were to make out with a girl.

Help me.

Seriously?

2006-10-10T12:36:00.000-06:00

Are you kidding me???

One more way that PCOS and being annovulatory screwed with me. I didn't get to show enough skin.